THE CAPTAIN'S COOKERY CORNER: VOLUME ONE

Hello friends, 

As I recently said, I am the de facto chef de maison of 20 Old Bridge Street.  For a few years now I have also held Thursday night as a time sacred to curries, ie those that I make myself.  As an exceptionally picky eater, I usually deal with food myself, in case anyone decides to do something that I'm not going to have, like a serving of peas, for example.  While my track record with green vegetables is notably poor, it slowly improves, but only in my own time.  

Anyway.  Today I made a particularly delicious stir fry, even by my standards.  I haven't had any oyster sauce since I got here, nor any hot chili sauce (God damnit Nandos!  Y U NO IN TRURO), but a bottle of light soy has done so far.  I usually cook by instinct, having built a working relationship with my knives and my boards and my utensils that I won't deal with anything else.  I always bring my knives, my pasta pan and my wok wherever I go (not quite attached at the hip but you get the picture).  But here I pass on my recipe to you.  Make sure you read it all the way through before you start.   

HAJIME!!!

Firstly, before anything else, make sure your prep is done or the hotter it gets the more you'll sweat just before the end.  At the moment, I make stir fry dishes with pork, but this ought to work with any meat of your choice.  Beef will be the fastest meal of all though, so only do this if you're definitely on top of it.  This one is a definite pork dish though.  There are no measurements, as I have never used any...except for the rice!  AHA.  Just use enough!  If you use too much or too little, then learn for next time.  I managed to serve 4 tonight, so just think about how many people you want to feed and change your amounts accordingly.

So.  To start with, finely slice your pork into strips.  This is a chow mein style, and it'll all cook quickly.  Speed is of the essence!  Next, cut off enough pieces of Broccoli and halve them.  If you are planning on using the stalk, cut that up just as, if not more finely as the pork (Don't worry about getting it identical.  Broccoli will take the longest time to fry after the pork though).  Thinly slice two cloves of Garlic, and put them to one side of the board.  Skin a medium sized white onion, and roughly chop it into slices.  With that all done, sort out your pans.  

Put your noodle pan on to boil.  I use a pasta pan, because I use a pasta pan for everything.  It's just a big pan with a stout handle, with a glass lid that has large and small draining holes in the sides, very useful.  I put in 5 nests of egg noodles earlier, but use however much you need, and then put enough water in to cover the nests and put it on a high heat.  If you put the lid on, it'll boil much quicker, but you might be busy by the time it starts to boil over, so think carefully.  Just before you do this though, put your wok on to heat.

Put your wok on to heat.  I said it again because you actually need to heat it.  None of this pussy-footing around.  Your wok should be approximately as hot as hell by the time you start cooking.  Put in a glug of oil, be it sunflower, vegetable or groundnut (the last of these being the best), BUT NOT OLIVE OIL.  UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU USE OLIVE OIL.  Olive Oil will burn and not taste especially great and ruin your wok.  Put it on the highest heat available to you on your hob/raging inferno.  

Once the oil in the wok starts to smoke gently, it's almost ready.  Let it heat up a little bit longer, and then get the pork in.  Slide it in off the board slowly (or as slowly as you can), because you don't want to spray the boiling hot oil everywhere.  You will notice that the meat will colour almost instantly due to the fabulous heat and the large surface area of the strips.  After maybe a minute, or when all the strips have begun to colour, add in a healthy serving of LIGHT SOY SAUCE.  Light goes in at the start of cooking.  When you have done this, add the Broccoli.  Adding more ingredients causes the overall temperature of the inside of the wok to drop ever so slightly.  Toss the wok to make sure everything gets covered in the soy.  After a while, add in tomato puree.  Add a load as well, and spread it around, coating everything in the pan.  Add a drop more soy to keep things moving in the pan.  Don't let it burn!  Let it cook out for a little bit.  We're moving towards service now.

The noodles out to be nearly ready by now.  I used a short pair of tongs to separate them, but feel free to use whatever you like.  Stir them round and make sure they're cooked.  Turn the heat off and pop the lid on.  Stir the contents of the wok.  Now, toss the onion slices in to the wok, and break them up with whatever you're using.  Make sure they also get coated.  Now, move quickly!  Drain the noodles, but don't get rid of all the water, you'll need a bit.  I hope you haven't forgotten about all that Garlic you had, because now's the time to use it.  Make a space in the centre of the wok and throw the garlic in.  This needs only seconds, as you only want to toast the garlic, and woebetide you if you burn it.  Once that's done, pour in the noodles.  The water you left in needs to go in as well, because it'll stop it all from sticking and make a little bit of sauce out.  Put in a bit more soy at this point, if you have any DARK SOY SAUCE now is the time to use it, but be sparing.  You don't want to overpower the pot.

Let the noodles cook in the wok, and toss regularly to make sure they get covered as well, and be careful not to let it burn.  

There is only one course of action left to you now. 

   SERVICE!!!

I usually prepare stir fry in this fashion.  Sometimes I have rice instead of noodles, and ideally I have bottles of fish sauce and oyster sauce to tide me over as well as chili sauces of sveral varieties to add to the flavours, colours and textures.  If I use a red onion, I add it slightly later to keep the fiercer flavour and the strong colour intact.  Red onions are my thing though.  All in all, this meal should take about half an hour to prepare and serve.  Always make sure you don't poison anyone, but the meat should always be done by the end just due to the sheer temperature.  

Anyway.  I hope that some of you might be brave enough to try this, and my following recipes at home, for yourself, your friends and family.  My house style is gutsy and slightly chaotic, much like everything else I do, especially my Countertenoring.  On Thursday, I will be opening the famous Curry House, and serving two distinct dishes, the first time I have done so in my whole life.  But I'm not worried.  I might make the first one on Wednesday, and then put all my energy into the second dish on the day.  No problem.  So!  Until next time!