Monday, 18 February 2013

"Dereliction of Duty"

So... Sorry about the drop in the schedule last week.  To be perfectly honest I was too depressed to write about anything other than being depressed and really... we've all had enough of that.  The sporadic posting behaviour I fell into over the past summer is really all we need to remember about that little chestnut.  Even thinking about it is making me less and less inclined to keep writing.  OY VEY.

A week previous, I had survived the Three Spires Charity Ball at the Headland Hotel, Newquay.  I feel like I'm still tired from only having got back to Truro at 5:30am, and having to sing Zoltan Kodaly's from 9am that particular Sunday morning.  There was also a lot of Gin.  A huge amount of Gin that I put inside my body.  And then the mud fountain that we made by pushing a car out of the filthy ground.  To be completely honest, it was still a fun night, with the singing and the fabulous venue and the delicious meal and the conversations I remember with a lady called Wendy about bread makers...  Being still actually drunk and in fact, late for rehearsal (because I got up at 8:59 and managed to forget my robe was hanging on the back of my room door) left me feeling horrifically embarrassed and definitely like I let the side down.  Turns out I didn't actually do half as badly as I thought, I mean, I could have sacked it off and then lied about feeling ill now THAT would have been letting everyone down but you know I just don't do that sort of thing.  Subsequently working through one of the worst Gin hangovers ever led to an host of advice, from the usual take aspirin...(or was it paracetamol?) to laying in a steaming bath of salt all afternoon.  I will be trying the bath...probably tomorrow, in all seriousness.  The ultimate mid-term afternoon treat, right?  My clothes have come back from the dry cleaners spick and span, in which having a hand made dinner suit makes all the difference. 

Ah yes, we're now in half term, to use the more familiar term.  This is the famed 'halfway point of the year' (so sayeth the boss), with the comparatively slow journey through Lent, before the freefall to the end that is Trinity.  Recently, as I said at the top, I've been feeling pretty down.  I've gone a little off message, and really doubted what I'm doing here.  I don't have the greatest self-esteem in the world even at the the best and most high-functioning of days: I am more likely to question myself and my own motives before anybody else...and I know that I am far and away in the minority in doing so.  I look to myself and usually end up with more questions and doubts, and send myself into a vicious circle.  Fun times!  Yeah.

Funnily enough, last Thursday (the 14th no less), I woke up and remembered that I was in actual fact a human being (it's not often that I do that, so mark it down guys).  I don't even know why or how, but I did and I am doing pretty well so far okay you guys!  My sleep pattern is still shifted from last Saturday, especially after having gone clubbing to the local, uh, club venue for the last three nights in a row.  I like to think I can still cane it with the best of them, what with my ultimate remedy of literally two pints of tea and a hot shower... I tell you what though, I am never going out until three in the morning on a work night (that's a Saturday, folks!) again.  Okay, give me like three or four weeks to break that but seriously.  While I finally seem to have found my clubbing legs (as it were), it's still deeply expensive, massively tiring and ultimately, a waste of good sleeping/practice/cleaning time.  YES I SAID CLEANING TIME.  I am rapidly moving towards finding less ironic and more genuine joy in cleaning up.  Obviously I'm one step closer to becoming a homeowner, and several steps closer towards insanity.

Right now though, things are calm.  The house is quiet, with only two of us here, and I feel pretty relaxed overall.  Sat here writing into the early hours after a pretty up and down week seems so much easier having talked out the major issues with my furthest but still dearest.  The future's still terrifying and doing nothing but getting closer.  Trying to find employment is...difficult, and for one primary reason: I have no confidence.  I've added a page to this very site, you'll find it right there at the side, where I'm forcing myself to talk about...myself!  I find it a real test, because everything I do is... what I do.  So what I've sang here, done that solo, met this artiste... I don't really see any great glory in it because that's what I do, it's my daily bread and I don't really believe in shouting it from the rooftops (or, more accurately putting it on my CV or similar)... but actually maybe it's time I considered the alternative.  I'll add to the page (which will become the ultimate jumped-up autobiography) as and when I can/see fit.  I'll be looking forward to a quiet week, where I can support local business and get back to some practice.  I will also be detoxing the tiniest bit.  Reprioritising, and of course... Making a difference.

I am becoming more aware of my differences, and indeed the other Scholars.  Our career paths are moving in different directions, and as I often return to, perhaps that makes more difference than I am aware of consciously.  But then again, variety (or indeed, viarety) is the spice of life; it'd sure be dull any other way...

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