Surprise surprise, I'm reading several blogs from various authors from over the pond, in fact I've got a couple open simultaneously right not. Always on my list is Mr. John DeVore found all over the Internet, (who even has his own website now!), [Redacted] Guy, Dater X...etc etc. Any guest writer that catches my eye with an hilarious title gets a look in as well, there's no discrimination here Smith. GuySpeak is also a personal favourite, often just for the silly questions people ask, or the questions that I wonder about appear or Michael Swaim posts something else...and while we're touching the subject of comedy let's not forget Gladstone. Hate by Numbers might be on Asylum these days, but he still writes the occasional column for Cracked, which is brilliant.
Anyway, I digress.
The point is, as your friendly neighbourhood unfeeling subhuman Autistic person, I have extreme difficulty in the area of interpersonal romantic relationships, or dating as it is more commonly known. So much difficulty in fact, that the last girl I wanted to go out with not only understood my uncomfortably and clumsily worded invitation, but then proceeded to run more than the usual mile (true story bro). I then gave 'upset' my best shot, didn't sleep, eat &c for a while and beset my poor friends with enough moaning and "woe is me for I am alone" to last them several years. I haven't spoken to her since and here I am writing about it all again. Funny really.
Traditionally, I would suppose that Autistic people such as yours truly often don't realise (or maybe they do. I apologise to anyone I might be insulting) that people pair up, go on dates, sleep together &c &c in such a fashion that the world seems content to proceed with. For a long time (I have held my peace but now will I speak...no, hang on) I thought that it all just happened, you know, mummy and daddy are married (like mine weren't), and you live in a happy family house (like I didn't)...ok ok, so I observed other people's lives worked like that. Enough already. Elder siblings were undisputedly cool, you know, being older and cooler. If they had girlfriends/boyfriends you didn't question it, they just were. How this happened was a total mystery, as was what they did and indeed how and when they did it and so on and so forth.
But like the Freak I am, I started to notice that at a certain age, people started you know...getting together with others. Because I went to an all-male private Grammar School, I never saw the (male) homosexual side of the coin, as everyone from my school was pretty much expected to find a girlfriend from the all-female High School half a mile up the road. School Discos were fraught with sexual tension (haha) and Valentines was the most exciting secular festival evar. Roses were sold and VIth formers literally laughed their faces off at (comparatively) young children acting with that indisputable herd instinct, managing to stay at opposite sides of the hall, stand in smalls groups gossiping and giggling/trying to attract that 'special someone's' attention and of course general dickery. That particular episode saw me give a rose to a girl who wasn't interested, but in her defence accepted graciously and treated me no different afterwards. (Ok, so every now and again it gets brought up for old time's sake or something, but we can all look back and laugh. At me.)
Fast forward.
My first girlfriend was, and remains to be two years younger than I am. We met at a choir rehearsal (Romantic! Like it.) and there was no going back. I had long hair. It was almost as long as hers. Funnily enough, I still have the rubber duck on my shelf. I really didn't have any idea how to treat her properly though, so we finished before long and I was genuinely cut up about it but she found someone better for her and for all I know they're happy now so...great! I don't actually begrudge her anything. Mercy.
That was a long time ago. Another two years pass, while almost everyone around me learns how to be sociable and polite and not KEEP LOOKING FOR THE NEAREST ESCAPE ROUTE ARGH WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE and importantly with this new age demographic, the heady spectre of Sex starts to cast its coital shadow over the land. Suffice to say, I find it hard to keep up with people, and most girls who know me view me as a Freak (and oh my god are you 'normal' people allergic to freaks) so I almost give up and once again, chew my poor friends' ears off with the whole "woe is me" routine...until...
Until I met her. Talk about a split second decision. One of my friends (with whom contact is now very patchy) was seeing this girl from (wait for it) ANOTHER SCHOOL SOMEWHERE ELSE IN DERBYSHIRE. This might seem ridiculous to our new-age sensibilities, and our twenty-something eyes, but go back four or five years and think about it properly. This is absolutely revolutionary. Nobody knows who these people are. They're not vetted by anybody else, and they're not pre-judged &c &c. Anyway, kid's politics aside, my friend he gone bigged me up and got one of his girl's friends all all intrigued and so we end up going to see Borat. Like, I dunno, four of us and four of them. So we all go on this first 'group date' or whatever and we hit it off. A week later, I go to Berlin, one of my totem holiday destinations. I stay in touch via the power of MySpace but still feel anxious like hell. I get back, and by some act of God, it's still on. What happens next is (somehow) 2 (potted) years of learning how to deal with being with another person, making a bucketload of mistakes, being forgiven (most of the time) and you know, general rose tinted spectacle perception of reality. And the L word. Yes, that one. How it ended is not a subject for discussion. So don't even bother. Let's just say...it was fatal. I still regret the ultimate way it played out...and I might have just about finished my penance. I don't know. Do we ever truly?
And now I'm at the end of another terrible year. A disaster, you might say. Domestically, Academically, and of course, romantically. There was...well, something at the start of the year that was hard to class; a relationship of some sort that ended up breaking down because guess what! I can't cope with interpersonal human contact. Ha ha. Great. Well, it didn't work out because...not everything's meant to work out. Fine.
But that was in September of '09. In a month's time it'll be September '10, and I'll officially gone an entire year without...well, anything at all. It's been almost two years since I've been on a proper date, and you know, I actually like dating. If it's done right then the rewards justify the gamble. And yes, I'm just a twenty-something complaining about one whole year of being out of any sort of game, but this is a dangerous amount of time for a Freak like me. Unlike the rest of the vast majority of society, I have almost completely forgotten how to deal with this or that situation without LOOKING FOR THE NEAREST ESCAPE ROUTE which usually gets tricky even with people I relatively know. Perhaps it's time to give up again and wait for something to just roll up...
But it just won't happen like that again. All the times I've been told to stop looking I remind both my conversational companion and indeed myself that my natural path through my day means that I see the least amount of people possible, preferably none. It's nothing personal, it's just that I'm uncomfortable around well, almost anyone and I know you might take that the wrong way! So please, don't It's not you, it's really all me. Just let me keep trying and everything will be fine. And that's just friends! Like I said earlier, the last girl who got a clue that I wanted to date her officially ran a God forsaken mile. I really would rather not spend the rest of my days in an eternal bachelorhood either, I rather like having someone else. I got used to it in that halcyon two year period, ok it wasn't perfect but nothing ever is, right? I just like having someone there and being there for that someone on a...full time basis. Yes, I'm always there for my friends, but you know what I mean.
So looks like the only question left is the one that I used for the title. Dead end or just miss a turn? Will I sit this year out completely in order to find myself luckier after? Or is this really it? I've already used up all my relationship credits and I'm going to be one man for the rest of my days? What a terrible melodramatist I am. But it's a genuine concern. From where I am it always looks like everyone else has it so easy. You're all attractive and charming and interesting and have a chance of getting a decent job and making a good career and having a family...all of which I cannot see for myself.
If it was easy, what would the point be? If it wasn't so blazingly difficult I might just enjoy how tricky it is. But alas. It's the tiniest bit out of reach. And I'm tired. We all go through this one way or another. So maybe I am like the rest of the Losers in the world and don't know it and I'm mouthing off at a problem faced by everyone. Add to the fact I feel almost completely cut off from everyone I've met at University (the perils of not using Facebook), I'm of a mood to just stay in Derby. Why bother being unhappy somewhere else when you can be unhappy at home?
Anyway. After all this typing, I think I shall say...MISS A TURN. Roll a natural 20 to join again. As we've seen, I've already had one turn at happiness, so I might as well wait for another. Friends with benefits and One night stands aren't really my sort of thing. I know a lot of people can justify both, indeed both at the same time...but it's difficult. Too grey really. It never lasts (or does it?), so it's worth the wait.
But only just.
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