Turn Again!

Now really I'm still picking myself up.  I think I've happened upon an important clue as to why I am how I am. 


Essentially, I do not change.  I think this is mostly down to being autistic again, but I am more or less the same person I was the best part of half a decade ago.  How can that be?  Does it show strength of character or an inability to adapt?

I'd argue against an inability, because here I am still alive, still going doing things I never thought I'd be able to.  I'm not just surviving, I am (with some effort) actually thriving down here.  The problems only start when I get a bit down.  I'm a massive over-thinker, and I worry.  I worry about worrying.  I worry more than you could possibly imagine.  Being hyperactive has its downside here, as I can get more thinking done is less time.  It's remarkable.

This is great when I'm busy.  If I have a lot on my plate I have a lot to occupy my mind, and that is a fine thing, obviously.  However.  When I'm not terribly busy, like...well, right now, it can get a bit funny in here.  In an absence of activity I run out of things to think about, and start to invent nightmare scenarios that I then convince myself are true!  That people aren't interested in talking to me, that nobody ever wants to see me again...just stupid things like that really... Well, I start there and continue.  One thing in particular that haunts me dreadfully is that my uncle will die while I'm at work.  Real work at the stall, not this fake work at the desk.  I know he will eventually go, but he won't go until it's time.  Just sometimes, on a dark day, I can't help it.

This spills over into my relationships as well.  As far as I've come in my social interactions, and I am become quite a social animal now, this is my biggest stumbling block, the next thing to overcome.  It all stems from my low self-esteem, which while it's the highest it's ever been, is still mercilessly terrible.  I no longer see the Monster in the Mirror, but I still doubt myself terribly.  I convince myself that I am not good enough as a human being, and hold on to it.  I don't know why!  I know it's ridiculous but I clasp this idea beyond anything else sometimes.

And it makes everything worse.  It puts strain on everything I do, and everyone I talk to, because I bear this self-imposed curse.  I interpret social cues all wrong, and it puts other people on edge around me, which I then sense and take badly.  This makes me feel even worse, and thus we have a vicious circle.  It makes me needy and suffocating, and I've finally realised this.  This character fault must be worked through and got over.

Obviously, this has to change as well.  There's been so much change recently that I'm in need of some familiarity to help comfort me.  This is the first summer since the end of VIth form that I haven't gone home for the Vacation.  You may think nothing of it, but it's a big deal to me.  My Girlfriend gets to be on holiday too, and the amount of evenings and weekends that I haven't been able to see her has made me less than happy. 
I've taken to sitting in my garden (if you can call it a garden) and doing at least an hour's worth of Banjo practice of an evening, which is really a fine use of my time.  My fingers are being cut to shreds by the strings, which is of course the point.  I haven't restrung in over a year now, and the low C is getting very dicky, but I'm not sure if I'm going to string this Banjo up again!  I have the serious I-wants for an upgrade, which at £400 will take some serious saving.  It's between that and the holiday fund as the next financial project.

I hate change though.  Change makes me feel uncomfortable, like I lose a foundation.  I worry about it, and then try to plan obsessively around it so I only have to change as little as possible.  What must happen though, is a stop to this.  There must dawn a new age of Pebblez, or I will get left behind.  And that I cannot afford.

There's no need to change my character, but there is a need to change my ways, and amend how I act and think.  I still don't really know how to relax, and that's a major problem as well.  I'm not entirely sure how we'll do anything about that, but we'll see.  Who knows!  Maybe putting some hard work into relaxing will pay off!