Vignette XXXII

Again and again and again and again and you'd really think that I'd learn from this but no really insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results but it's all I can do because maybe I am insane after all I mean there's no proof for it really but it's a pretty good theory so we'll go with it it's the best we've got right now and I do need the best even if I try my best but best of all the best still somehow isn't good enough but when it's all you've got to give because you never give up and never give in and give everything you've got only for it to be taken really for granted and taken away but never taken back but taken with a pinch of salt but then really it only ever matters how we stand our ground even if we can't stand it any more and I don't know why I stood for it but I guess I never took it lying down even though I should have made a stand but I never really realised until it was too late I guess timing is everything when your time is limited but think about all that time that went by and inevitably as time goes by there might never be any more time even though somewhere there is a better place a better time that we can look forward to even when it doesn't look like that because looks aren't everything are they now so keep looking and look out even when you feel like your luck's out but luckily enough if you just keep on keeping on because there's nobody that can match you even if you keep it that way but after all ounce by pound you've been losing ground but on what grounds and unreasonable demands rights wrongs lines drawn in the sand and all.

When all the pieces get put back together what will we get?  And what happens next? 

Untitled

So I've been writing this blog since April what, two years ago now?  Sure, sounds about right.  I take things that have happened, are in the process of happening, or are about to happen to me and turn them into a little story and throw in a load of song lyrics, pop culture references, puns... and then review and then publish.  I put links out and wonder who really reads this crap.

Today I am trying really very hard to condense the last two weeks into a workable, readable and indeed writable form, and unsurprisingly I'm finding that extremely difficult.  Let's start with the biggest fact here so we all know what we're dealing with: I got dumped.

Again.

I'm an absolute wreck.  I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, don't want to even move half the time.  I spent the weekend getting roaring drunk every day, and I've even lost a lot of voice.  The only thing I've lost more of is weight, which is just falling off me.  I'm going to be very ill, that's if I'm not already.

Obviously now I want to go on a massive emotional tirade, but... It just won't help.  It won't make me feel any better, you won't want to read it, it'll be divisive (and I've had enough division this week), so I won't bother.  What I will say though is I am just at loss.  I don't know what to do at the moment, and wearing one's heart on one's sleeve (or what's left of it now) as one does...

And look, I know I have the best friends a man could ask for who are all worried sick.  I've got dedications from across the pond, promises of unrelenting physical violence, offers of beds and beer from Norwich almost instantaneously as I let my friends back home know.  This is it, everyone goes through it time and again, and I have all sorts of people to fall back on.  But when that one person goes, that one you made your priority goes and you all know what I mean (and if you don't, just wait until you do), it's absolutely shattering, and that's all I feel at the moment.

It's tough.  I feel...blank in many ways.  I haven't worn my rings and chains for the past week now either.  There was a brief moment during the weekend where the sensation of not wearing any jewelry was stranger than wearing it...but ultimately I'm still not wearing any.  My personality has crashed a little bit (haha a lot) and I'm just not strong enough within myself to uphold it.  Can't eat, can't sleep, can't even wear my bloody suits because I'm so thin at the moment God it's an awful life really, isn't it?

I need to post this and go to bed, before I sit up all night trying to make a point that I'm not really sure about, or change my mind.  As we already know, I don't really change that much, so expect another one of these after the next time, where I give everything and it doesn't work out for whatever reason.  I think that's enough for now though.  I'll be back once I'm done hurting, but don't expect that for a long time because I hurt very badly now. 

Stop, Look & Listen

It's been a long Summer Vac.  And a lot has changed.  But there's still time for everything to change, after all.  Let's get to it.

I've been mostly living alone this summer.  No, not completely by myself, but rather alone.  My housemate, as is his wont, has often gone hither and yon and I have been the sole custodian of The Scholary in the meantime.  As for my girlfriend, well... She's been busy too, and has been here and there on holiday and trips and all sorts of things befitting those on summer holiday.  It's cool.

What I don't like though, is being alone, because being alone drives me absolutely insane, and I just go mad.  It's been a tough old time in many respects because of that.  When I go mad, my usual anxiety spikes and I have a little more trouble than usual controlling it.  Sometimes, it's not easy.  Oy...

I have often faced things about myself that I do not like this holiday as well: my insecurities, my anxieties, my deep-seated dislike of asking for help, my control issues... and so on and so forth!  Luckily for me, I have a good bunch of friends, a wonderful family, and, brave as I am to use such formal language, a significant other who is right behind me and does more than she thinks.

Things are looking up, just like always though.  The Scholary, horrific dosshole that it has been is now in a magnificent state, being cleaned, replumbed, decorated and partially refurnished in time for the new Choir year.  Right now I'm sat (although admittedly not in my seat...) on a reclining sofa; yes, things really are that good!  My chamber of course is furnished to my exact recquirements, what with my double bed, keyboard, and Banjo hanger screwed into the wall.  As always, I am black and white, indeed to such an extent that I now have a brand new Banjo (around £600 worth of instrument) hanging on my wall, this time with a resonator, brass tone ring and black Remo head.  It looks and sounds amazing, and I'm redoubling my efforts in order to be comfortable with the new sound, weight and neck profile in time for my Concert du Jour on the 16th, where I hijack the first Cello Suite by Bach.  That's right, 3 years in the making and after almost 8 weeks of at least two hours practice a night it's almost ready.  Opinion is already divided, but that's kind of the point.  I'm never out to do anything 'usual', and have no intention of stopping now.  Not being Banjo music, it is pretty tricky, but I'm getting there.  I'll be ready in time for the concert... (he says.)

Keen-eyed followers will also notice that I have been all but off-network for the past 5 days.  It's something I'm trying out.  I have more than enough on my plate with practicing and this job still before term starts anew without updating the internet as to my every move.  I'm doing okay, I've been back on today and will of course post this before being off again.  I just got so used to being on Facebook and twitter all the time, maybe it is time for a rest every so often.  Of course, if you want me, I'm still here, yeah?  I am still pretty forgetful about my letters, but that's another habit I have once again fallen out of.  Even as a correspondant I can get very serious, very quickly, and as I am learning, that's not always a good thing.  

The next few months will prove interesting, I suppose.  Financial decisions are not to be taken lightly, after all but there's still so much good work ahead of me.  I have a few personal milestones even before Christmas yet, and there's always room to improve.  All I have to do is keep paying attention.  I've gotta do something...right?