If we look over the past few months, the summer archive of 2012 if you will, we can see a definite pattern forming: that of an overall depression, but trying to make the best of things. I faced a lot of things in the summer, both great triumphs and fierce lows... and here I am in the middle of November (and really it all boils down to the middle of November, doesn't it?), having finally caught up with one of my best friends. Three months is simply far too long, but as those on the great East Anglian coast know, time is the least of worries when compared to distance.
The problem is I am still pretty down; not for any reason in particular, but as any other depressive can tell you, you don't always need a reason. I am particularly drained at the moment. I'm not sleeping properly, and getting up and out is sometimes more a strain than it should be. I remarked on this earlier, thinking that I had got through the bad part and was feeling better and now back to being generally low. It gets in the way of a lot of things! I haven't written anything here for ages, and even elementary social interaction is more difficult and tiring than it should be. I'm worn out and I feel old, Why?
I guess some questions are beyond the scope of some 20-something's mewling blog though. I've let a lot slip though, and even thinking of that doesn't really help because of course I should be doing better than this. Coming back to my chamber of an evening and feeling all played out even before the communal meal is a bit shit though.
I'm sure this mid-November slump will clear itself up; these things have a habit of working themselves out by themselves, just like I do. I may well be single and unemployed again, but there's obviously something in there that I should be taking note of. Employment is diffucult for autistic people, perhaps it's time I started taking note of my disability more seriously, as much as I hate doing so, even before you take into account fitting in with choir hours. I know that if I keep looking and trying, something that is possible will turn up, and it's just a case of finding the right thing.
As for my love life, I consider myself formally in a position of semi-retirement. Allow me to clarify: it just isn't my strong suit at the best of times so why bother with putting myself through more heartache. Social interaction can be tough enough on a professional level (where I like to think I know what I'm doing), let alone in a more intimate setting. Of course there are people out there, near and far that I am attracted to, but... I just have no idea what to do about it at the moment. So I'm just not doing anything, which is for the best.
So there we are. There's actually a lot of good things that have been happening that I've not said; I think at this point a little cathartic release is better while I wind up for a better tone. Everything is in the process of changing, and perhaps that's something else that's driving this particular mood - after all, I hate change because I don't (haha)...
And I'm still sat up at 1am! Oy Vey!
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