Secret Talent

See, the thing about writing about secrets is that they don't stay secret for long.  Especially when you publish it on the Internet.


This is a stumper, actually.  What talent do I have that people don't know about that I could discuss here?  Half decent musician, half decent writer, half decent cook, shirt ironer and kitchen cleaner (all round domestic Godhood, obviously).  I guess the extent of my musicianship is quite a surprise to people in Truro, we might as well start there.  Those who remember me from School and University will be well familiar with what I can do, not only being able to at least get a tune out of most any instrument but also my main 'disciplines' of Countertenoring, Tenor Banjo, Bass, assorted Recorders and the Organ.  The Assistant Organist of this very Cathderal in fact seemed terribly surprised when I reminded him that I too was once an Organ Scholar, at the Church of the Parish of St. Peter Mancroft in Norwich, seeing as I exhibit a critical lack of abilities usually expected of an Organ Scholar, i.e. actually being able to play things like hymns and accompany: still arts that are hidden from me.  The more... Practical aspects, like registering, page turning, preparing music and the like are more my forte.  Two years of lessons at the Collins, that altar of Neo-Classicism were very well received, if often quite stressful, as I never had any formal training or even Piano lessons when I was younger.  The Chief pushed me because he knew he could though, and the efforts he made at introducing me to the finer points of both the music and literature associated with the North German Baroque and French Classical and Romantic schools of composition are still part of my personal study and reading.  Anyway. 

I guess the Banjo thing really came out of the bag when I played my amazing recital in St. Mary's Aisle in Truro Cathedral, of the entire first Cello Suite.  In fact, only on Saturday it was brought up in conversation to me as "your Cello suite" by a young man preparing it on his Viola.  MY Cello suite indeed!  BWV 1007 still sounds pretty good on the old Banjo after all.  I should definitely think that it's not what was intended by, well, anybody... But who am I to care about that?  I may not be the world's greatest Banjo player by any respect, but I'm still learning my chords and scales and trying to improve my technique whenever I do actually practice - the thinner neck on my newest Banjo means that the wrist has to be held high - much more correct playing posture.  I've been playing Tenor Banjo since the age of 14 (well, Christmas 2004, I think...), so I know most of the positions for chords (which can then be just slid up and down the neck)

I had the great priviledge of playing a Tenor Banjo made in 1938 the other week as well, quite cheekily asking without any sort of prior introduction, just an identification of which exact type of Banjo it was.  It belonged to a man who had been playing as part of a little Jazz band on Lemon Quay while there was a market on.  I quickly reeled off a couple of characteristic things, The Minsky being one, and then played the chords for the verses of that classic George Formby number, The Window Cleaner.  A little bit of respect was earned from the instrument's owner, although grudgingly, as one of his band mates noticed how much louder it was when I played it in comparison. 

While I feel that I don't exactly keep my talents a secret, I certainly don't play them up either.  If you'd have told me 9 years ago that I would be preparing a recital in a Cathedral Church I'd probably have laughed you away.  Perhaps my secret talent is so secrect that actually it's a secret even from myself?  A great cop out, sure, but poor fare for writing.  Then again, perhaps none of my talents are secret to me myself, but the fact that I know what I can and can't do coupled with the fact that I don't usually share that information (except in episodic format here) means I can't think of anything I don't know already, and aren't really sure how much you'd want to know.  Anybody confused yet?

I suppose that my musicianship is my greatest innate talent - nobody taught me to play the instruments I still do (I had Clarinet lessons for years and even though I probably know my way round most of the scales still I wouldn't claim to be able to play it any more).  I even blundered my way through the start of my countertenoring without proper instruction.  Sadly I can't lay any claim to ability in fine art, like drawing, painting or sculpture, but if there's any painting and decorating to be had I'll gladly join in.  I know, so mundane...

Either that or my ability to create strategies to cope with the world, the business of day to day living.  True, I receive a lot of help sometimes, but every talent needs nuturing to flourish, right?  I'm an adult living with a disability after all, the classic symptoms of Asperger's syndrome still in effect: limited social empathy, precise interests (and language), and difficulties with non-verbal communication.  Every single day throws up challenges, be they repeated or entirely novel situations.  I am often at loss describing how being autistic really is for me, as I have deliberately shielded myself from the recognised symptoms in order to not obsess about them; even reading up on the usual social difficulties as information for this very paragraph is proving quite upsetting, recognising problems I still have not overcome.  Martian Time Slip by the science fiction author Philip K. Dick, and even The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon (even reading the precis is making me feel uncomfortable with the familiarity of the main character's behaviour) are books I started but never finished due to how much of myself I recognised in them.  As much as I am different (I am not a fictional character, although I guess we all have doubts sometime) to the protagonists of these stories, there are many aspects of them that are identical to how I was when I was younger, and some behaviours I still continue to exhibit. 

If there's one thing I hate though, and really utterly detest, it's being questioned.  Being questioned calls me into doubt, and why should I doubt myself any more than I usually do?  I use my strategies to ensure that I am questioned as little as possible throughout my life, even though I'm sure that the successful execution of these strategies shows a fundamental bipolarity to my life: I am autistic, and suffer from different degrees of anxiety when presented with the unfamiliar, be it people, places, practices or anything I do not know already... But I'm working a desk job right now in the Cathedral Office, answering telephones and dealing with people I've never met before, most of whom I never meet again.  Even reading that back, it's obvious that they do not match up.  There's a lot that goes off behind the curtain though, much like the Wizard of Oz, that explains how I can do it - my morning routine (however truncated) must always  involve certain repeated aspects in a certain order (which actually is the topic of an upcoming blog anyway) in order to make sure I feel safe.  I've said it before, I live my life deliberately in a particular fashion (the way I dress, how I eat and how I communicate) in order to feel as safe as possible.  I have learnt that different strategies work at different times, and while I do receive a lot of help, it's something that I have found within myself to live my life how I choose.

I'm sure many others on the #BEDM trail have had more luck that I have with this topic, especially those who write shorter posts than I do.  I rather think that modesty is a large part of this as well, not willing to seem in any way egotistical at all.  Of course, I probably have a talent that none of us are aware of at all... I mean, maybe I will one day leave behind the trappings and politics of Cathedral Music, emigrate, and find a masterful ability as an artisan baker...

That's all.  For now.